Farewell, dinner blog :(

I've been meaning to make this update post for a long time now. Sadly, time and business pressures have forced me to not only quit this blog but also to cook less. Yes, it's a rotten shame, but chin up, we had some good times, some bad times, and some KFC.

The dinner blog lasted for a year, and was more popular than I could have hoped for. It started out as a clever way of mocking bloggers, and ended up making a dedicated and famous blogger of me. This was on TV, you know. That counts as fame, my mum said so.

And so I say to you, goodbye. Perhaps one day the dinner blog will return, but until then, happy cooking!

Prawn Connery

This dish was inspired by the movie Thunderball, which is set in funky Nassau. I wanted to do shellfish in tribute to all the marine life in the film, but served on something that looks like a palm tree. I also wanted to create a bit of a retro 60s look. Whether or not it tasted any good wasn't really the point, although it actually turned out to be delicious. Movie-themed food is the way forward. Tomorrow's movie theme will be Gaynigg*rs From Outer Space.

Garlic, coriander and chilli marinaded tiger prawns on a lemony avocado fan with rice

Skol Dinners

"Cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow"

Hagar: "Why aren't you singing, Lucky Eddie?"

Lucky Eddie: "I can't remember the words"

A big lump of cow covered in melted emmental and mushrooms on rosemary mashed potatoes with spinach

A is for Apple

If there's one thing I don't understand, it's shop-bought, jarred apple sauce. Why would you buy something full of thickening agents and preservatives when you can peel and boil an apple with some sugar and a blob of butter? Takes less time than opening a jar. People are weird. Apples are my friend.

Mustard-encrusted pork medallions on colcannon with homemade apple sauce

Gnocchi Lotta People Know That

Apparently you're supposed to pronounce the 'g' in gnocchi. I'm not, but you are.

Roasted vegetables and tomatoes over gnocchi with grated parmesan

Sick Squid

This was a bit of a mess. A tasty mess, but lacking finesse. Ooh, a rhyme! I had some ingredients in the fridge and I cooked them all in a pan til they looked edible. It doesn't get less sophisticated than that. Of course, if I were a BMW-owning marketing type person, I'd call this something like 'rustic stew' and charge £14 for it in a gastropub. Good job I'm honest, eh readers ;o)

Rustic squid, chorizo and new potato stew

Takes Some Guts

Offal is like Napolean Dynamite. It is guaranteed to elicit a very strong negative or positive reaction from anyone you ask. Me, I love both the film and the gooey insides of dead animals. Bring on the bits that filter all the crap, they taste yummy!

Pan-fried chicken liver and artichoke salad with raspberries and croutons

Border Caulie

I had a cauliflower but fancied salad. Could I invent a caulie salad that was light and refreshing, as befitted the hot sultry day? Gauntlet thrown, I launched myself into the challenge, flinging oils and herbs aside in my quest for the ultimate dressing. The result was a sort of hybrid Japanese cucumber salad, without the Japanese. Add a blob of mayo and victory was mine.

Smoked peppered mackeral on a cauliflower and cucumber salad in a light vinaigrette

From the Ladle To The Gravy

OK, this didn't have any gravy in it, but that was the only pun I could think of involving ladles. It's too hot for wit. Hot sweaty wits, ew.

Watercress soup with a swirl of olive oil, plus bacon sandwiches on crusty bloomer

Jus The Two Of Us

Sorry for my absence, dinner fans. It's been a craaazy week and there hasn't been much cooking from me (that's not to say I didn't eat, don't fret). This is a fantastic melting cheese, which apparently came about thanks to early tax fraud. FACT.

Lamb steaks on a stack of soft roasted potatoes with melted Reblochon De Savoie, asparagus, and a redcurrant and lemon thyme reduction

Let's Go Someplaice For Dinner

I didn't want to cook tonight, as you can tell from this halfhearted thrown together effort. Slice some stuff, bung it in a baking tray, whack it in the oven and leave it for a bit. The sauce for the asparagus was good though, I recommend making it. Double cream, rosemary, black pepper. Peasy.

Plaice on roasted new potatoes and onions, topped with asparagus finished in a rosemary cream sauce

Whaddya Wan?

I'm possibly being filmed next week so, in true vain and female style, out come the salads in an attempt to look thin and interesting. I already have the pale thing going on. Practically wan, in fact.

Salmon cakes on button mushroom, green pepper and tomato salad with basil mayo

Noodle Doodle Dandy

I almost never follow recipes, but I made an exception for this and I'm glad I did. It was very lovely, if a little fat-heavy (but that's more a reflection on the pork than the recipe). I had to improvise a bit as I had everything except rice wine (I put in some Mirin and extra stock instead) and brown sugar (I used white). I even served the star anise on top as a garnish. Don't eat it though, kids, you'll break your teeth and have to make a living as a professional gurner.

Aromatic pork belly hot pot on noodles with sesame broccoli

Saaging In The Heat

It's the middle of a heat wave and I get a craving for curry. Figures. Perhaps there's some sort of clever sweating biology thing behind it. You're hot, so you crave curry which makes you hotter so you sweat more, and sweat cools you down. Does that sound even vaguely sensible? Hopefully some of my nice science-type friends will tell us.

Crispy-skinned cod on potato, spinach and chickpea curry

Market Penetration

"AVOOOHHHCAAADDOOOES, TWO FER A QUID!" yelled the grubby man in the market. "Hmm, " I said, giving them a squeeze, "when will they ripen?".

"Couple of days, luv," he told me.

And by golly, that man was not lying. Ripen they did, until all they were good for was smushing into a chunky pulp with some chillies and garlic.

Chicken roasted in chilli oil with grilled sweet potatoes and guacamole

Mama Mia! Here We Go Again

An old childhood favourite. Do you eat this with a spoon and fork to do that twirly circle thing? I don't, I use a knife and fork because I'm English. I also wear a bowler hat and stick out my pinky whilst drinking tea. Jolly good show, wot?

Spaghetti Bolognaise

Butter Me Up

It's my week for unusual varieties. This stripey aubergine is not only prettier than the regular kind, it's also much sweeter, tastier and somehow softer - almost like mashed potato inside. The observant among you will notice that I didn't peel the broad beans - I ran out of time, the potatoes were lukewarm as it was. I need an assistant. Send your applications on a blank postcard.

Lamb and sliced fondant potatoes topped with roasted Pandora striped aubergine, with broad beans in a garlic anchovy butter.

Little Plum

Two of my favourite things, and both hard to find in the shops, in one dish. Samphire is also known as sea asparagus, or the unromantic marsh asparagus and is just about the tastiest thing you can put in your mouth. Shiso is a Japanese purple herb which has the most amazing taste - sort of pungent mustard but fragrant at the same time. It worked extremely well with the saltiness of the samphire and the tartness of the lemony tomatoes. Tres bon, me.

Halibut steamed in parcels with plum tomatoes, on a bed of sauteed samphire with shiso cress

For Mash, Forget Smash

There aren't enough songs about beef, I might write one. Something like "beef is wonderful, beef is hot, beef is everything chicken's not"

Pan-seared ribeye beef on creamed potatoes with asparagus tossed in melted roquefort

Wind Because of Wings

I didn't really get wind, it was just for the sake of a pun. See how I sacrifice my dignity nightly to bring you slightly poor gags?

Salt and pepper chilli chicken wings from the Chinese round the corner

Croque of Sh**?

Actually, not a crock of sh**, although the individual ingredients were all pretty crummy. Supermarket ham, highly processed white bread, rather poor Double Gloucester cheese, and eggs that could have been fresher. Combined, however, it was pretty good, if a little fat-heavy. Croque Madame means "Mrs Crunch", apparently. I would have thought "Mrs Ham and Cheese Toasty with a Fried Egg" would be more accurate.

Croque Madame

Prawnographic?

"Take me, you deliciously tasty lover" whispered Prawn to Potato. Potato looked longingly at Prawn as she slathered herself in a temptingly thick, spicy, gooey marinade. "I can't!" he cried, turning away to hide the desperation in his eyes. He looked over at Fennel, so sweet, so innocent. He could never hurt her, not like this. As the delicate petals of tarragon rained down, caressing them both with the tender touch of the herb, he knew he'd made the right choice. He took Fennel by the hand and touched her bulbs. "I love you" he smiled.

Marinated prawn kebabs on a salad of sliced Jersey Royal potatoes, fennel and tarragon

Broadly Speaking

I am the Siren of Salads, the Lady of Lettuce, the Diva of Dressings. I am divine, sublime and superb, a gem amongst rocks, a diamond in the rough. I am the greatest, the best, the finest. My talent knows no bounds, I harbour no regrets for my ambitions are fulfilled.

I have invented the world's most delicious salad.

Grilled lamb leg steaks on a salad of leaves, baby broad beans and stilton with a raspberry and garlic vinaigrette

Jerks.

The spicy chicken needed something refreshing with it, as it was incredibly hot today and I didn't want to sweat any more than I already was. Did I say sweat? I meant 'glow', as befits my gentle gender. Now excuse me while I scratch my glowy arse.

Jamaican jerk chicken with rice, red kidney bean, spring onion, mango and coriander salad

Basil Not Faulty

If I had to choose between sex or food, and the food was this, then the sex wouldn't get a look in, frankly. And if pudding was apple crumble and custard, well, call me Ms Chastity and throw away the key.

Beef tomato, mozarella, duck sausage and avocado
salad with a basil and balsamic dressing

No Joke, Artichoke

It's the seventies! I want you to say that out loud in the style of the start of the Muppet Show. Ready? After three. One, two, three...oh, you didn't do it. Lame.

Steamed artichoke served seventies-style with a bowl of melted butter for dipping

Risottoman Empire

Risotto is easy but tedious to cook. Stir, stir, ladle, ladle, stir. I want someone to invent me a risotto-stirring robot that also detects when the liquid has gone and pours another ladleful in. It could have a human-type personality and be called something clever like "a husband".

Pan-seared salmon on a basil and tomato risotto

Salami's Lot

I had to cook very quickly tonight as I was on a tight schedule. If I'd had more time, I would have put the salami inside the pancakes. That would have rocked. Never mind, there's always next time (except next time I'll want to experiment with something entirely different, like chickpea and chocolate, or grape and kidney).

Pancakes stuffed with mushrooms, spinach and cheese, with German salami

KF*C OFF

Yeah, yeah, I know, junk food blah blah unhealthy yabba yabba clogged arteries whinge moan sudden death etc.

Zinger Tower Burger. Chips. Fat.

Not Mush Room In 'Ere

I was describing frittata the other day in a chat room, which made me want some. I'm such a simple creature, living on my instincts and cravings. I am also complex, because I think kittens are cute but also they annoy me with their pathetic mewing and I want to crush them and bake them in a pie.

Just kidding! That's gross.

The correct method for cooking kitten would be a casserole.

Field mushroom and emmenthal frittata with a simple salad of cherry tomatoes